When it comes to Turkey, holiday home owner Caroline and local resident Jeanne say that nothing compares to Dalaman’s old-world welcome

PHOTOS A LA MY

NAME: Caroline Smith
OCCUPATION: Retired

Tell us about your home in Dalaman.

My husband and I started coming to Turkey on holiday about 25 years ago and fell in love with the place. Four years ago, we bought a three-bedroom bungalow with its own swimming pool overlooking a lake in the Akkaya mountain region. It cost us £108,000. The area we’re in isn’t a tourist resort, but the airport is only 25 minutes away, and the lovely beaches of Sarigerme and Gumusluk are also just a short drive. So we have it all – the peace and tranquillity of the mountains close to all the action and nightlife.

What do you do when you’re out here?

We tend to spend a lot of time driving around the area finding new places to visit, or relaxing on the beach and pottering around the garden. We have made some good friends, albeit English ones, and have a really good social life. We like to explore remote villages and eat in local restaurants – if you find a restaurant that’s full of local people you can absolutely guarantee the food will be great and really authentic.

What would you recommend to visitors?

Dalyan is a really good place for its market and restaurants. In the evening it really comes to life and the spectacular rock tombs are wonderful when they’re lit up at night. There are so many great places around that wherever you go there’s always something interesting for us to discover.

Where do you go to eat?

For a special experience, there’s a fantastic restaurant close to where we live which has been built into a gorge and overlooks the lake. In the summer you eat outside on seating areas built into the trees. It’s amazing sitting up there and enjoying a really good meal. The staff are very friendly and the food is good. It also has a large swimming pool and shower facilities you can use, and organises trips on the lake and horse riding.

Have the locals been welcoming?

Our property is located in a farming community and we have a lovely old farmer living just across the road from us. I often go out to Turkey on my own and he always comes over to make sure I have everything I need. When we visit Turkey I always feel like I’m going home, and I feel so safe and comfortable even when I’m on my own. I have absolutely no problem driving there; in fact I prefer to drive in Turkey than in the UK.

What about the future?

My husband retires in August and we shall be spending more time in Turkey and less in the UK. The pace of life is very slow and the tranquillity of the area is great. There’s just such a lovely feel to the place and so much to see. I just love being out there – it’s like heaven to me!

NAME: Jeanne Grey
OCCUPATION: Retired

How did you end up living in Dalaman?

I am a retired teacher from London with two grown-up kids. My husband passed away three years ago. We had come to Turkey many times on holiday and loved the country, so I decided to buy a property and live for part of the year in the Dalaman area.

How do you spend your time?

There is so much to do in the area. I love walking and bird watching, and there are some wonderful countryside trails with all sorts of interesting wildlife. The beaches are good, although I prefer to go on boat trips, which are a lovely way to spend the day and very economical. When my daughters come over we visit historical ruins and explore the fantastic markets.

What’s the Turkish attitude to life?

It’s very relaxed, something we lost in Britain a long time ago. It’s appealing for expats as you have more time for the important things in life, like friends or family.

What are the must-buy local products?

A carpet is a great souvenir – or cushion covers if your budget is more limited. Are there any places you can recommend that newbies should check out? The local markets are fantastic – so colourful and the produce is all fresh and cheap. You can try anything before you buy it and the people are so friendly and helpful. It’s a real experience.

What do you love about Turkey?

The laid-back lifestyle, the wonderful unspoilt countryside and the great weather.

Aardman Animations’ commercial director has moulded his very own success story, says Lucille Howe

Steve Harding-Hill is sitting at the kitchen

table dreaming up the luckiest and unluckiest things that could happen to a person. He has just been walking down the high street wondering how a character should react to this situation and practising faces in a shop window. For Harding-Hill, generating ideas is a full-time job – and eliciting strange looks from the public is an occupational hazard.

Having left school at 18 with a batch of reports saying “could do better”, Harding-Hill toyed with the idea of sports college until his art teacher showed him that art could be a job. “That the son of a baker from Silsden in Yorkshire was going to be a wussy artist – well, that went down like a ton of lead,” he says, double-barrelled name or not.

An art foundation course at Bradford and Ilkley Community College was followed by a degree at Leeds Metropolitan University. Initially Steve didn’t secure a place – applying after the closing date – but persistent badgering meant that when one applicant dropped out, Harding-Hill, or “Backdoor Billy” as he was subsequently known by the tutor, was in. “I got in because I was gobby,” he admits.

Continuing this run of good luck, he won the chance to become the Museum of the Moving Image’s animator in residence. “I was a living exhibit for three months making a two-minute pitch for a short animation that I then had to present to Channel 4 with the view to them making it – which I did, and it got the green light.” That short was Angry George Irons, voiced by Brian Glover, which went on to win a National Film and TV Award.

Despite the accolade, Harding-Hill had the feeling he didn’t know what he was doing. So instead of milking it, he returned to further education with an MA at the Royal College of Art. “There’s something about the kudos of going there that’s very attractive,” he says. There were no pound-a-pint nights for this high flyer, though, who knuckled down to produce what would eventually become his BAFTA-nominated short The Ticker Talks. Next up was a move to Bristol’s Aardman Animations, home of Nick Park and Wallace and Gromit.

Harding-Hill has been with Aardman for a decade now, pitching and producing animated adverts. One of the campaigns he is most proud of is for Leonard Cheshire Disability, setting the voices of disabled people to Creature Comforts-style animated animals. “It beat advertising cereal,” he laughs.

Working with such pliable materials can be a peculiar business. “For the government’s Change4Life campaign we used American Plasticine which is softer and greasier than the British stuff,” he explains. “We have to fight the fact that it melts more quickly under the lights by spraying it with [pet product] Poop Freeze! Wet Wipes are handy too because they clean up the dust and dirt from the Plasticine really nicely.”

While he is currently resisting film projects in favour of commercials (and their substantial budgets), he hasn’t ruled out going back to school for a spot of lecturing. But whether the big screen or the student bar beckons, one thing’s for sure – that Steve Harding-Hill is a lucky so-and-so.

Name: Steve Harding-Hill
Age: 40
Based: Bristol Education: Disappointing his parents by trading pastry brushes for paintbrushes, Harding-Hill embarked on a foundation course at Bradford and Ilkley Community College, followed by a degree in graphic art and design at Leeds Metropolitan University and an MA at the Royal College of Art… making him the most over-qualified animator in the world. Do ask: Why is it called Aardman Animations? (The word is, it’s a cheeky reference to that West Country draaaaawl…)

Don’t ask: Have you won a BAFTA? He lost out to Nick Park’s A Close Shave. They now share an office.

No matter where you are in Europe this summer, someone will be showing the World Cup. Daniel Ford selects 10 key matches and where to watch to them

PHOTOS GETTY

South Africa v Mexico

11 June, Manchester

The poor old South Africans have had it in the neck ever since winning the right to stage the 2010 World Cup, but 11 June is the day when, after 80 years, football’s big celebration arrives in Africa. It’s Friday afternoon and the first match of the tournament – will there be an office open anywhere in Europe? Watch the hosts (the lowest FIFA-ranked side in the tournament) in the first ever Revolution (90-94 Oxford Road, Manchester. 0161 236 7470, www.revolution-bars.co.uk). With its swish bar and comfy seats, this smart vodka venue, opened in 1996, beats standing up in the Dog & Duck any day. Pre-book your World Cup burger and drinks on 0800 6300 800. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Nkosi sikileli’ iAfrica!/God bless Africa!

Post-Match Celebration Drink: Springbok (half Baileys or Amarula cream combined with half crème de menthe)  

Uruguay v France

11 June, Paris

No one will be heading home early after the opening game, especially on a Friday night, so continue to soak up the atmosphere as the flair of the French takes on the rugged Uruguayans. Watch outside on the big screen with the locals in the beautiful surroundings of Place de l’Hôtel de Ville (City Hall Square, 29 rue de Rivoli, 75004 Paris). Situated near the Seine and surrounded by fine architecture, the square used to hold public executions, including that of Jacques Clément, the assassin of the French king Henry III, in 1589. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Est-ce que Thierry Henry à utilise son pied maintenant?/Did Thierry Henry use his foot this time?

Post-Match Celebration Drink: Pastis  

England v USA

12 June, Paphos

Every four years England wait in hope of World Cup glory. Every four years they are disappointed. The disappointment might as well come in the sun at Aces (Ayias Anastasias, Kato Paphos. 00 357 269 36400, www.acesbarpaphos.com), a popular bar with English football fans. If there’s one game the Three Lions could lose in their weak group it’s this one, so make sure you get into the much-coveted position where you can see the game but still sit in the sun (the holy grail is to have some shade on the head, lots of sun on the rest of the body but no glare on the screen).

Post-Match Celebration Cry: Rooney! Post-Match Celebration Drink: Anything  

Italy v New Zealand

20 June, Rome

The highest score in a World Cup match is 9-0 (Yugoslavia v Zaire, 1974). Can Italy go one better against the massively outclassed New Zealanders? Flann O’Brien (Via Nazionale 17, 00184 Rome. 00 39 06 488 0418, www.flannobrien.it) is a popular Irish bar for fans of English and Italian football, boasting numerous screens to watch the (no doubt) numerous goals in classic pub surroundings.Your main problem, however, will be getting the attention of the waiters. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Dieci!/Ten! Post-Match Celebration Drink: Grappa

Slovakia v Paraguay

20 June, Prague

The Czechs didn’t make the finals but their former country-mates and now neighbours Slovakia did (for the first time) and the city’s large Slovak population will be aware that this game could decide who qualifies with Italy from Group F. In an area with a few sports bars dotted around, Sports Bar Zlata Hvezda (Ve Smeckach 12, Prague 1. 00 420 296 222 292, www.sportbar.cz) has a good mix of expats, locals and visitors, and claims to be the first of its kind in the city.

Post-Match Celebration Cry: Kde je Paraguaj?/ Where is Paraguay?

Post-Match Celebration Drink: Pilsner Urquell  

Spain v Honduras

21 June, Benidorm

It’s unlikely that favourites Spain (4-1 to win the cup) will be shaking in their boots playing Honduras (1000-1), but at least they’ll be able to console their Central American opponents in the same language. The Winning Post (Calle Girona, Benidorm) is a big bar attached to a betting shop, selling cheap food/beer in basic surroundings but at least you can put a few euros on Torres to score first and Spain to win by more than four. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Ole! Post-Match Celebration Drink: Sangria if it’s a hatful, San Miguel if it’s not  

Greece v Argentina

22 June, Crete

Despite the name, the locally owned and run Sky Sports Bar (Agios Nikolaos, Crete. 00 30 28410 82860) is a traditional venue in which to line up the ouzos as the Greeks look to topple Diego Maradona’s Argentina. When the sides met in 1994 Maradona’s manic goal celebration into the camera was later found to be fuelled by substances more than adrenaline and ended his World Cup career. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Ouzo! Post-Match Celebration Drink: More ouzo  

Australia v Serbia

23 June, Ibiza

There are nearly 100,000 Serbians in Australia (Holly Vallance and Jelena Dokic among them), so who should they support? A young energetic bunch heads to Hogan’s Aussie bar (Carrer Bartolomé Vincente Ramon, San Antonio, Ibiza. www.hogansibiza.com) for cocktails and to mix with a sexy crowd in the heart of Ibiza. Post-Match Celebration Cry: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi! Oi! Oi!

Post-Match Celebration Drink: Cocktails  

Cameroon v Netherlands

24 June, Amsterdam

One of the most attractive games in the group stages, this one will be attacking football all round. Expect plenty of goals as you merge into the sea of orange in Amsterdam. Join backpackers from around the world and locals in Belushi’s (129 Warmoesstraat, 1012 JA, Amsterdam. 00 31 206 231 380, www.belushis.com). The international nature of this bar means there will plenty of shots and strange-coloured liquids flying around, but try to keep one eye on the game. Based in the red-light district and attached to the Winston Kingdom nightclub, you won’t be short of after-match entertainment should the strange-coloured liquids start to kick in.

Post-Match Celebration Cry: Hup, Holland, Hup!/Go, Holland, go!

Post-Match Celebration Drink: Some more strange-coloured liquids  

Portugal v Brazil

25 June, Albufeira

The world’s big Portuguese-speaking derby. Who needs sun? Escape the heat and watch the game in Diamonds Sports and Karaoke Bar (Rua Alexandre Herculano 33, Albufeira. 00 351 289 542 952), then follow up what has to be the best clash of the group stages by belting out your favourite karaoke number to cheering football fans. Maybe.

Post-Match Celebration Cry: Goooooooaaaaal! Post-Match Celebration Drink: Superbock  

Daniel Ford is the author of A Football Fan’s Guide to Europe (New Holland, £14.99)

GRECIAN EARNER

PHOTOS GET

Cash-strapped Greece should be made to repay its debts by selling off some of its uninhabited, state-owned islands, according to German politician Josef Schlarmann. “What should a bankrupt person be doing?” he asks. “Selling everything he owns to pay his creditors.”

So just how much does an island paradise cost? Well, if you have a spare £13m you could buy St Thomas, just 20 minutes off the coast of Athens, while £1.3m will get you a pine-clad island in the Gulf of Corinth. As the islands can retail for up to £130m – the figure Athina Onassis is currently selling Skorpios for – this could be turn out to be a real money-spinner for Greece. However, given that it’s looking for a bail-out of £95bn, it would still be just a drop in the ocean…

SMALLEST ROOM WITH A VIEW

Many people dream of buying and renovating their own home, but for one couple in Yorkshire that dream has proved a little bit more unusual than most. Tracy Woodhouse and Graham Peck decided that a public toilet in Scarborough with beautiful beach views was the place for them, and what was once the ladies’ lavatory is now their bathroom.

The property was built as an ammunition store before being used as a public toilet for 100 years, then closing in the early 1990s. When its lease came up, the pair bought it, spending £35,000 on renovations. “We understand the amusement,” says Woodhouse. “It tickles us, too. Our TV set is where the gents’ urinals used to be!”

UNDERGROUND/ OVERGROUND

Claiming he’s after “a bit of an adventure”, Alessandro Benetton (above) commissioned Japanese architect Tadao Ando to build a four-bedroom home in Ponzano, near Venice, which extends 4m underground. Nestled below a number of Teletubby-style hills that protect it from view, the Benettons’ “invisible house” will have to be seen to be believed.

COSTA DEL LIMASSOL

Limassol, a Jet2Holidays.com destination that’s just a short drive away from both Paphos and Larnaca, is becoming increasingly popular with UK home buyers looking for their own place in the sun.

The latest development to stir up interest is the Kanika Kypros Gardenia, a complex of luxury apartments located a mere 100m away from the Mediterranean. The building is comprised of 20 homes spread over seven floors, several of which have their own private swimming pools. Residents will also have access to a tropical park, a 27m pool, a large gym with sauna and massage area, wine cellars and 24-hour security. See www.kanikadevelopments.com for more information.

Take the plunge at these romantic hot spots, says Natalie Underwood

PHOTOS G ETTY, PHOTO LIBRARY

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

About 42m if scuba diving through one of the world’s most impressive shipwrecks floats you and your partner’s boats. OK, so it’s not exactly dinner and a show – and petting, whether heavy or otherwise, is not possible, let alone recommended – but a dive down to the Zenobia, the Swedish ferry sunk in July 1980 off the coast of Larnaca, is unbelievably atmospheric and just perfect for that My-Heart-Will-GoOn, Titanic vibe.

Clasp hands as you glide through the ocean’s otherworldly beauty, past curious barracudas and amberjacks, and over the barnacleencrusted cargo spilled across the sea bed – images that will stay with you long after you, um, decompress. www.divezenobia.com

MESSING ABOUT IN BOATS

Simpatico, definition: 1) to possess attractive qualities aplenty, 2) to exist in harmonious combination with each other. Despite the somewhat self-satisfied moniker, Paris’s Bateau Simpatico has so much of the former you’re guaranteed to be enjoying the latter as soon as you step aboard.

Moored, extremely conveniently, right beneath the Eiffel Tower itself, this 1916 Dutch péniche makes the perfect floating honeymoon suite, with its very own concierge service, an upper deck from which you can sip sundowners while gazing out across the city of lights, and a beautifully restored bedroom for all sorts of nautical naughtiness. www.quai48parisvacation.com

MAKING A SPLASH

Ever felt like your bathtub was a tiny bit too cramped for two people? Ever wished that the water could stay warm forever? Or are you just sick of being stuck at the tap end? Head over to the Gellért Spa and Bath in Budapest, opened in 1918, where they know better than anyone how to draw the perfect bath: 30°C, bubbly and steamy – pure bliss.

Take a dip in the outdoor pool and then pop inside for a relaxing swim in the spectacular indoor pool, with Roman-style columns lining the edges, followed by a sauna, massage, mudpack — even a carbonic acid tub-bath if you’re brave enough. Nestled at the foot of Gellért Hill on the Buda side of the city, this H20 haven is the perfect place for you and your partner to soak up the love. There’s a good chance you won’t want to leave. www.gellertbath.com

Few visitors to the Czech Republic explore further than Prague, but they’re missing out – this beautiful, varied and compact country is full of hidden gems. Benjamin Beasley-Murray visits three charming towns within easy reach of the capital

Melnik

At the heart of Bohemia’s wine-growing region and just 30km north of Prague, Melnik makes a perfect day trip for those wanting to explore the countryside. It’s a great place to stroll about, whether through the town itself or among the surrounding vineyards, though the truly lazy may prefer just to kick back with a glass of wine in the main square and soak up the laid-back atmosphere.

Situated on a hill above the meeting of the Vltava and Elbe rivers, the town started as a 9th-century Slavic settlement. There was an imposing castle that was demolished in the Thirty Years War, which gave way to the current Melnik Chateau. It’s open for tours daily and is crammed with baroque furniture and 17th/18th-century paintings.

The Church of Saints Peter and Paul sits adjacent to the chateau on a cliff top overlooking banks of vines. Like the chateau, it’s a recent rebuild at a mere 450 years old (the original was destroyed by fi re in 1555). Further restoration took place at the end of the last century, and its stained-glass windows and arched ceiling certainly merit a look.

A crypt below the church houses an ossuary where the bones of some 10,000 people (disinterred to make space for 16th-century plague victims) can be viewed (every day except Monday). Afterwards, clear your head with a stroll down the hill to Horinsky Park, a wooded stretch taking in an old canal where you can walk up an appetite before returning to town to dine in one of its many wine cellars and restaurants.

Get there: take the train from Nadrazi Holesovice, Prague (approx 40 mins).

Lunch: Zamecka Restaurace (Zamecka 1, 00 420 315 622 121). Spectacular river views complement the traditional Czech food served here.

Karlovy Vary

Nestled in the western hills of Bohemia is the spa town of Karlovy Vary, founded in the late 14th century by Charles IV, king of Bohemia and Holy Roman Emperor. In the 18th and 19th centuries, Karlovy Vary – better known as Karlsbad, since for much of its history the town has been within German borders – was where European gentry headed to “take the waters” and seek relief from any imaginable ailment.

Today, the town’s stunning architecture and old-world charm continue to restore visitors’ souls, regardless of whether they try the hot mineral water bubbling up from its many thermal springs. Though spa hotels, clinics and cosmetic salons still dominate, day-trippers who aren’t here for massage therapy, bath therapy, electrotherapy, lymph-drainage therapy – you name it, there’s a therapy – can stroll through the picturesque streets and squares instead.

Promenading along the Teplá river and meandering between the 19th-century buildings that fl ank it, health pilgrims sip out of small porcelain cups fi lled from fountains housed in elaborate colonnades. More discerning visitors may prefer to fi ll their cups with becherovka, an alcoholic liqueur that is famous across the Czech Republic. Known as “the 13th spring”, this cough medicine-like spirit was invented in Karlovy Vary in 1807, and promises to bring all manner of health benefi ts. It’s an acquired taste, but one worth persevering with. Much more palatable is another local treat: the plate-sized wafers sandwiching creamy fi llings of hazelnut, coffee and chocolate. Available hot from street stalls or in the town’s pretty cafes, these tasty delights are good enough not to need branding as healthfood.

The peaceful town comes alive in July for its International Film Festival, when Hollywood A-listers fl ock to the former sanctuary of Goethe, Tolstoy and Marx. Whether they stick to their own brands of bottled water or partake of the local elixir is anyone’s guess.

Get there: take the bus from Florenc station, Prague (approx 2hrs 15mins).

Lunch: Restaurant Embassy (Nova Louka 21, 00 420 353 221 161, www.embassy.cz). Eat yourself healthy with deer, boar and fried cheese.

Kutna Hora

This town is like an intimate, little-known bar you’d love to recommend to everybody, but you don’t want to spoil. Its beautiful squares may not quite match Prague’s, but you feel like they’re yours when you wander the winding cobbled streets that make up this charming town.

Around 65km south-east of Prague, Kutna Hora was one of Europe’s largest and richest settlements in the mid-15th century, deriving its wealth from the silver ore mined nearby. That money translated into the civic building projects that made the town so beautiful – the Cathedral of St Barbara, dedicated to the patron saint of miners, is among the fi nest gothic churches in Europe, and landmarks such as the Italian Court (later the Royal Mint) and the Stone Fountain (an impressive late-gothic water fountain), testify to the town’s former grandeur.

Streets full of pastel-coloured 17th-century houses are peppered with quiet restaurants and bars, making Kutna Hora the perfect place to while away an afternoon. The approach to the cathedral, up a wonderful promenade fi lled with crumbling gothic statues, is beautiful, and you can be confi dent of not sharing the views with countless other tourists.

Don’t come on a Monday, though, as nearly everything is closed, but on any other day a trip to the nearby Sedlec Ossuary Chapel is a must (what is it about Bohemia and bones?). The ossuary dates from the 14th century, but in 1870 a woodcarver was employed to turn the bones into breathtaking decorative features. The chapel now has a massive chandelier made from at least one of every bone in the body, a large coat of arms made up of bones, plus bone crosses, bone chalices and… well, you get the general idea. It’s a little ghoulish, sure, but just one of the many extraordinary sights that await tourists who explore beyond Prague. So go, marvel. Just don’t tell too many people.

Get there: take the train from Hlavni Nadrazi, Prague (approx 1hr).

Lunch: V Ruthardce (Dacickeho Namesti, 00 420 739 013 510, www.v-ruthardce.cz). Hearty food at hearteningly cheaper-than-Prague prices.

Why does Michio Kushi’s diet du jour have so many famous fans? Lucille Howe headed to Alicante to see for herself

This page: Alicante’s SHA spa pairs state-of-the-art facilities with back-to-basics food

Log onto Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog at www.goop.com and you’ll soon see how devoted the actress is to the macrobiotic lifestyle. The star, who famously professed to dining in the nude to encourage more conscientious eating, gives demonstrations from her own kitchen, cooking with fresh, seasonal, local produce to create dishes packed with pulses, veggies and complex carbs.

At the SHA Wellness Clinic on the east coast of Spain, 20 minutes from Alicante and the tempting fry-ups of Benidorm, I was optimistic and, thankfully, fully clothed as I checked in for a macrobiotic detox of my own. The SHA spa is the only European centre endorsed by the Japanese founder of the macrobiotic movement, Michio Kushi. He visits the centre regularly to chair conferences and, for around £635 (expertise doesn’t come cheap), you can enjoy a consultation with the guru himself.

The rules are as follows: you must only eat when you’re hungry, chew slowly, and divide your daily proportions along these lines – 10 per cent brothy soup, 30 per cent veggies, 10 per cent beans and sea vegetables, and 50 per cent wholegrains, plus a bit of seafood, fruit and nuts. Along with Gwyneth, Madonna is a devotee, which is encouraging.

THE FOOD DOCTOR

Virginia Harper is the resident nutritional therapist at SHA, and trained in Kushi’s philosophy. As a teenager she discovered healthy eating when macrobiotics was suggested as a way to help her beat Crohn’s disease (when the digestive tract is inflamed). It worked. “Macrobiotics is a big word to fit into a lifestyle,” she smiles, welcoming me into her consultation room and passing me a diagram of a food pyramid. At the top of the triangle is red meat, followed by eggs, poultry, dairy and sweets. “This is the all-American diet,” Harper warns, tapping the tip with her pen. “Red meats, hard cheese and raw salts are the real nasties because they take a long time moving through the body. We also need to remove stimulants like caffeine, chocolate and sugar, which throw the body out of whack.” The base of the pyramid is wholegrains, which, says Harper, should make up 40-60 per cent of our diet and include brown rice, wholewheat and oats. Above that are veggies, at a recommended 20-30 per cent of our daily food intake. So far, so do-able.

According to Harper, this diet gives you sustained energy, rather than the nervous energy (and subsequent crash) you get from sugar, de-stressing the body and helping with cell regeneration. “It takes around three weeks of healthy eating to change the quality of your blood and up to a few months to influence your cellular make-up,” she explains.

Ordinarily SHA would have given me a blood test to establish my sugar levels and any deficiencies before putting together an eating programme (if you do decide to give macrobiotics a go, a blood test is advised), but because I’m only staying for a few days, Harper has decided to put me on the Ohsawa menu, which means no bread, dairy or dessert. And this is supposed to be a holiday.

“I can see from the bags under your eyes that you have very strained kidneys,” she says, scanning my face carefully as I try to conceal my disappointment at the dessert situation. “You don’t eat a lot of yeast,” she declares (true) after asking me to poke out my tongue. “There would normally be a coating, so I could see if you did.” Her detective skills also identify red hands – a sign of lots of sugar in the diet – and a mild dehydration from some dry skin. “Your good constitution has got you this far, but I’d like you to stick to an eating programme that corresponds to the pyramid, and the waiters have been trained – no begging or bribing will get you chocolate.” Hmmm.

FRESH AIR

Luckily, the SHA and its surrounding area has plenty of diversions for a diva on a detox. The local town of Altea is all whitewashed stone walls, cute as a cupcake (sorry… food on the mind) churches and “very special light”, according to Alejandro Bataller, the owner of the SHA hotel, who built it on the site of a family holiday home, inspired by his father’s introduction to macrobiotics and subsequent triumph over cancer. “The town has remained intact for the past 200 years, and its history and light have attracted lots of painters and musicians,” he explains.

I take a tour to the nearby lighthouse, a delightful three-kilometre walk from base to lookout through the Sierra Helada Natural Park – one of Spain’s most important ornithological reserves. There are wide, well-maintained paths (which are great for pushchairs, wheelchair access and walking the dogs) and gorgeous views of the calming Mediterranean. The local micro-climate has been recognised by the World Health Organisation as one of the most favourable in the world, and the rich landscape yields some great produce for dinner, with lots of organic agricultural farming in the region – world-class olive oil, sweet, fleshy oranges and chunky tuna steaks.

THE RESULTS ARE IN

Back at base camp, the bikini makeover has gone well. The parsley that’s been sprinkled over everything to help my body absorb iron more efficiently has worked, and I’m feeling energised but in a more balanced way than frenetic city life allows thanks to the slow-release carbs. A black soya bean tea prescribed to support the kidney has helped my body detoxify and my nails have grown into strong talons with all the vitamin D from the sun. The detox has been an emotional one, too – without all the naughty treats we use as mood crutches, it’s been confronting to realise what aspects of my personal life need, er, work. So whether you drain your last Starbucks latte and head to Alicante, or swap M&M’s for the macrobiotic path to lose those last few pounds this summer, a detox doesn’t need to be depressing. Last one to the lighthouse is a loser… www.shawellnessclinic.com

AT HOME

Eighth Day

Popular cafe/shop serving a range of vegetarian, health and macrobiotic meals and snacks.

Sidney Street, Manchester 0161 273 1850, www.eighth-day.co.uk  

Millies Fresh & Organic

This award-winning store buys its organic fruit, vegetables and milk from local farmers. 109 Vicar Lane, Leeds 0113 2429 217, www.milliesfreshorganic.co.uk  

Macrobiotic Shop

Order online from hundreds of responsibly sourced products. www.macrobioticshop.co.uk  

Further Reading

Check out what the master has to say in The Macrobiotic Way by Michio Kushi (Avery, £12.99). www.amazon.co.uk

From an architectural pile-up to a beard-stroker’s paradise, Amsterdam has some weird and wonderful accommodation options, says Mark Smith

I’ve heard of rooms with a view before, but surely a hotel suite devoted to the opinions of Immanuel Kant is taking things a bit far? And yet that’s exactly what you’ll find in room two of Amsterdam’s Hotel de Filosoof (00 31 20 68 33 013, www.sandton.eu/nl/amsterdam), or philosophy hotel, on the edge of the glorious Vondelpark.

I’ve worn my most serious-looking blazer for the tour, led by assistant manager Ilse Jonker, and I’m taking care to look suitably reflective as we pause in rooms inspired by, variously, Jean-Paul Sartre, Socrates and, er, China. China? “Some of the decorations are inspired by cultural styles rather than individuals,” explains Ilse, helpfully.

No two of the 38 rooms in the 19th-century premises are alike… and, subject to availability, staff will try to match your temperament and interests to the decor and reading matter within. The artwork in the hallways poses existential questions – literally (“Is work really necessary?” asks one) – and a philosophical reading group has been meeting for over a decade in the bar on Thursday nights. It’s in Dutch, but beard-stroking looks the same in pretty much every language.

Before leaving, I put a question of my own to Ilse: “If a philosophy hotel opens but it has no guests, is it still a hotel?” She smiles indulgently before replying: “Fortunately that’s not a problem we’ve come across. People just keep coming back for a new experience.”

They might not be quite as established as, say, Confucius, but some pretty impressive thinkers have crossed the threshold of the Hotel Ambassade (00 31 20 55 50 222, www.ambassade-hotel.nl) Situated on the stately Herengracht canal, this hotel boasts some of the loveliest views in the city – if you can take your nose out of your book, that is. For the Ambassade has a reputation as Amsterdam’s literary hotel; the go-to bolthole for famous authors when they come here on their book tours.

Thousands of big names have stayed here, from legendary American chronicler Don DeLillo to domestic goddess Nigella Lawson. Amsterdam’s major bookstores (on the Spui) are a minute’s walk away, and the hotel is decked out with exquisite antiques and a collection of avant-garde art from the region’s Cobra movement, making it the ideal place for scribes to find inspiration. I ask sales and marketing manager Eelco Douman, who’s worked here for more than a decade, whether he’s had to deal with any Pulitzer-proportioned egos, but the answer is disappointing: “Writers are generally quite easy-going; they’re not pop stars. Sometimes they ask for a newspaper.” A fatwa-era Salman Rushdie was, he concedes, “a bit of a headache, because of all the security. But he came back just a few years ago, and it was much nicer for everyone.”

An avid reader, Eelco ensures that each author donates a signed copy of whichever book they’re promoting to the hotel’s ever-expanding library: “We’ve got first editions of everything from Alex Garland’s The Beach to Martin Amis’s Money,” he beams, showing me his favourite dedications. “But sometimes I’m disappointed by the clichés they write on the covers, given they’re meant to be wordsmiths.” I flip open a copy of Donna Tartt’s The Secret History – into which the American author has doodled a windmill and a tulip – and I can see exactly what he means.

My next stop is, at its own insistence, the worst hotel in the world. A poster in the spartan lobby of the Hans Brinker Budget Hotel (00 31 20 62 20 687, www.hans-brinker.com) boasts that the enormous hostel is “proud to be dirty and carry a wide variety of bacteria”. Stickers adjacent to the check-in desk warn me to expect hostile service and poor facilities. So I’m surprised when manager Bert Hakkert strides over at the arranged time, smiles broadly and extends a welcoming hand.

Bert takes me on a tour of the sprawling, campus-like building, and – guess what? – it’s disappointingly nice. The dormitories are a little on the rough-and-ready side, but that’s reflected in the low prices: “We know we’re not really the worst in the world,” Bert admits when I confront him about the distinct lack of cockroaches, “but we decided to start promoting ourselves this way so that, whatever happens here, no one can say we didn’t warn them.” Jenny Harries, an 18-year-old biochemistry student from the University of Sheffield, is perfectly content: “We’re here on a cheap trip. The beds are bit uncomfortable, and it’s noisy, sure. But we’re not here to sleep.”

An institution with a more conventional approach to communicating its values is Le Maroxidien (00 31 20 40 04 006, www.lemaroxidien.com), a gorgeous houseboat on the river Ij. Owner Kathrin Rduch, a former architect from Germany, stocks the three-roomed vessel with eco-friendly toiletries, and every morning she provides guests with a slap-up breakfast in the colourful kitchen at the bow of the boat using groceries bought from the nearby Niewmarkt farmers’ market.

We’re just five minutes’ walk from Amsterdam’s Centraal Station, but being in the calm waters adds an air of tranquillity to the Le Maroxidien, so-called because its three guest rooms are decorated in colourful Moroccan, Mexican and Indian styles like a sort of one-stop hippy trail. “The boat was built in 1912,” Kathrin tells me, stroking Jule, the adorable live-in cat, “but it’s been well maintained and people love its charm.” Perhaps the most endearing thing about the whole set-up is that, despite having lived on the boat for years, Kathrin can’t actually sail it, so Le Maroxidien never leaves its moorings, across from the Nemo science museum.

Aristotle-themed rooms, brutal honesty, a boat that doesn’t go anywhere – I’ve come to expect the unexpected from Amsterdam’s eccentric hoteliers, but the Inntel Amsterdam Zaandam (00 31 75 63 11 711, www.inntelhotelsamsterdamzaandam.nl), just ten minutes by train from Centraal Station, packs a pretty devastating visual punch nonetheless. An absurd pile-up of green and blue slatted houses, it seems to have been inspired, in equal measure, by the traditional wooden architecture of this industrial town – and heavy drinking.

I’m here for the official opening, a chance for local residents to explore the building they approved two years ago as the flagship of the Inverdan project to regenerate the area, and the response is largely positive. Retiree Dirk Versteeg, who used to be captain of a cruise boat (one that moved), tells me that it took a leap of faith for the locals to get behind the project: “It’s a brave building, and there were second thoughts, but the idea is to put Zaandam on the map. You don’t do that with a grey cube.”

Although otherwise modern, the interior of each room features a giant, blown-up photograph of an interesting aspect of Zaandam’s past, whether it’s the inside of the first supermarket (the nationwide Albert Heijn chain started here) or its champion athletics team. The Tsar Peter suite commemorates the hovel in which the fabulously wealthy Peter I the Great of Russia insisted on staying when he made an incognito trip to Zaandam in 1697.

Peter probably just thought he was keeping it real; little did he know he was starting a long and (extremely) colourful tradition of bonkers accommodation in Amsterdam.

These don’t-miss distractions put the South to shame, says Lucille Howe

BEST OF THE FEST

5-6 JUNE

With Glasto sold out months ago, the Newcastle Green Festival in Leazes Park is a quirky, low-key – and local – alternative. The Saturday is a kiddie-friendly affair, with handcrafted Victorian rides, but on Sunday the organisers admit they “open the bar and crank it up”. The Green World Stage has a diverse mixture of performers from breakdancers and hula hoopers to stand-up comics. Over at the Lakeside Stage expect dub, reggae and funk.

If your children keep on threatening to run away and join the circus then this is a good chance for them to test their skills. The Circus Area offers taster sessions in trapeze, unicycling, juggling, plate spinning and more. Likewise, if you fancy doing a Big Top turn then email lunatricks@gmail.com to get involved. At the end of the day, why not spread out your picnic rug for special movie screenings under the stars? www.newcastlegreenfestival.org.uk

BARKLIFE

JUNE-JULY

Edward Scissorhands eat your heart out. For the past four decades, British artist David Nash has wielded chainsaws, axes and blow torches (none of which are permanently attached to his body) to make what’s known as “land art” – large sculptures formed of trees.

From the start of June until February 2011, the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, set in 500 acres of historic grounds, will be celebrating Nash’s handiwork with a major retrospective of his work. Most famously, Nash tracked a 200-year-old spherical chunk of oak over 25 years, from a stream in Wales to the sea. Film, photographs and drawings documenting the journey will all be exhibited here.

The Underground Gallery will also showcase Nash’s experiments with black eucalyptus spheres, which he’s been working on in California, and there’ll be an in-depth discussion with the artist in Wakefield Theatre Royal on 11 June. All in all, it’s a treehugger’s delight. www.ysp.co.uk

LOOK INTO MY EYES…

9-12 JUNE

Whether he’s an entertaining hoax or the real thing, Derren Brown gives you plenty to think about. Brown isn’t telling what tricks he’s got up his sleeve when Enigma hits the Lowry in Manchester, but we can reveal he selects his participants by frisbee to dispel any rumours of fixing. He also attempts to hypnotise the entire audience, so if your worst fear is being persuaded to make out with a broom, be warned. Nominated for an Olivier award in February, this is the show’s second outing. Leave your logic at the door. www.thelowry.com

Fancy spending your holiday doing absolutely nothing in one of the most peaceful spots on earth? Gary Brown knows just the place…

PHOTOS JOHNW REFORD

Just a short, dusty drive away from the crowds, noise and all-inclusive holiday conurbations of Sharm el Sheikh, but before the sandy wilderness of the Sinai desert envelops all, sits a resort that’s back-to-basics without all the newage balderdash. It’s reinvigorating without recourse to astronomically expensive spa treatments, and eco-conscious without wearing its environmental credentials self-righteously on its sleeve.

Inspired by Bedouin camps, Basata (the name translates as “simplicity”) is even more modest than the term “ecolodge” suggests. A series of makeshift bamboo huts scattered across the unassuming sands, it brings to mind the little piece of paradise Alex Garland envisaged in The Beach, minus the self-serving, soon-to-be disillusioned travel snobs. There’s no TV, newspapers or – gasp – internet; sleeping arrangements (comprising a mattress and some rugs in your hut) are several notches below basic; and the chief attractions are gazing out across the radiant Red Sea during the endless days, or up through the cracks in the bamboo at the Sinai stars during the peaceful nights. Life moves slowly here. Sometimes it feels like it’s not moving at all.

Set up in 1986 by Sherif El-Ghamrawy, who’s still on hand to welcome his guests, Basata has barely changed in the ensuing years. While five-star hotels in Sinai are splashing out on plasma TVs, iPod docking stations and heated swimming pools in their efforts to coddle their customers, Sherif regularly attracts CEOs and politicians looking to escape their hectic lifestyles by offering them less rather than more.

Although showers have replaced the original washing buckets, and word of mouth has crept from intrepid travellers to in-the-know magazines, Basata’s squat toilets remain primitive, the huts are hot in the day but cold at night, and the flies still have a field day when guests sit down to eat breakfast in the communal dining area. Meals are simple but tasty and there’s a vegetarian option every night. The guest kitchen groans with fruit and vegetables, a hand-made fridge keeps a selection of juices and water ice cold, and a bakery makes cheese pastries and mini pizzas fresh every morning. Sherif tells his guests to help themselves to whatever they want and make note of it for later. Despite this laissez-faire attitude to life, booze is banned here in accordance with local customs, so it’s tea, tea, tea all the way.

But what to do to while away the hours? In short, nothing. Guests read, relax, catch the rays, explore the coral reefs, practise yoga, play cards, strum guitars – simple pastimes from a simple past. Then, after dinner, as the sun goes down, they put the world to rights with people they’ve only just met. Chances are, they’ll come to the same conclusion as Sherif and his guests, who keep coming back for more, year on year: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. www.basata.com