TEXT ANDREW CATCHPOLE
PHOTO PHOTOLIBRARY

Our globe-trotting gourmet stops off in Spain and finds there’s more to Valencian food than paella

Streetstyle Valencia

Buzzing with a youthful vibrancy, full of stylish and cosmopolitan locals, and boasting a rich cultural history clearly visible in an architecture spanning the Moorish, the modernist, the gothic, and the baroque, Valencia is an often overlooked jewel on Spain’s eastern Mediterranean – or Levante – coast. As with many of the world’s other enticing gastronomic destinations, it’s a place where climate and history are deeply woven into the cuisine.

The rich huerta (fertile land) surrounding Valencia is among the most productive in Iberia, covered with rice paddies, vines, pepper bushes, fruit, nut and olive trees, saffron crocuses, and fields of chickpeas, lentils, beans, beans and more beans; all testament to the waves of agricultural imports from the Phoenicians, Romans, Moors and others. Add into the pot a myriad of seafood – from shellfish and crustacea to local favourites squid and octopus by way of John Dory, red mullet, bass and bream – and you’ll begin to get a sense of the building blocks of Valencian cooking. Now sprinkle the mix with pine nuts, honey, sea salt, fruity olive oil or sweet paprika and, taste buds tingling in anticipation, you’re ready to dive in.

Locally Grown beans are
a key staple of the
regional cusine

Without question the culinary global celebrity here is paella but this shouldn’t put you off sampling the wealth of other regional arroz (rice) dishes such as arroz abanda, cooked in the juices of shellfish which are then eaten separately. Paella itself is a movable feast, with as many recipes as there are villages and towns but, as a rule of thumb, expect seafood on the coast and chicken, rabbit and even snails inland. They say that the best examples come from the countryside just outside Valencia and I must say that my own paella epiphany came at the private home of a wine-maker in the hills overlooking the shimmering city. Mountains of saffron-yellowed bomba rice laden (but not over-laden) with toothsome chunks of rabbit and chicken and spiked with white beans were brought to the table, providing the ultimate in sensational comfort food. Frustratingly, no matter how many times I’ve tried, I’ve never been quite able to perfect this simple-seeming recipe back at home.

Paella is Valencia’s
celebrity dish but no two
places use the same recipe

Beyond rice, seafood is the real reason to eat out in this port city. Look out for tender chipirones (whole baby squid), tender, juicy-fleshed white fish like gallo de San Pedro (John Dory) baked whole in a salt crust, and the amazing spicy shellfish stew zarzuela de mariscos.

For confirmed carnivores there is rabbit, sausage, jamón (cured ham), lamb (especially good if you can find milk-fed lamb cutlets grilled over open fires) and flavoursome local pork, often combined with beans in rich stews and other filling dishes. And don’t miss the turrón, a creamy, chewy nougat that is often flavoured with honey and nuts and makes a perfect end to a meal with a chilled glass of the local sweet Moscatel de Valencia.

Valencia is justly
famed for it citrus
fruit

There are little tascas (tapas bars) tucked away down side-streets all over town but favourite Valencian foodie destinations include the fantastically atmospheric Mercado Central on Plaza del Mercado (Europe’s largest food market), La Catedral del Jamón on the corner of Plaza del Ayuntamiento and the bustling restaurant strip of Calle los Caballeros. For daytime snacks try

It would be a shame not to sample at least one paella while you’re here, so head for the seafood temple of La Pepica (Paseo Neptuno 2–8, +34 96 371 0366) where Valencia’s more discerning eaters and even the King of Spain come to dine. For more more contemporary cooking try the hip Seu-Xerea (Calle Conde de Almodóvar 4, +34 96 392 4000) whose fusion-style dishes include Burmese-style suckling pig.

On the drinks front, Valencia has no shortage of bars and the Carmen district is particularly lively. Agua de Valencia is the local cocktail, made from Cava with gin, vodka or Cointreau and topped up with fresh orange juice, but look out for regional wines the best of which are from Yecla, Jumilla and the tongue-twisting Utiel-Requena, all inland from the city. Given how much cheaper it is to drink in Spain it’s always well worth spending a little more and exploring the best local producers have to offer.

BEST BUY

IN VALENCIA

In the heat, it’s well worth developing the Valencian taste for rosado (rosé), which can be a delightfully tangy thirst-quencher and also works well with a wide range of tapas and seafood.

Fresh, zingy whites are made from Malvasia and the indigenous Merseguera grape, and make for uncomplicated thirst-quenching drinking.

Lighter joven (young) reds made from Garnacha, Monastrell and Tempranillo tend to have bright, easy drinking styles.

For a more full-on vinous experience, perhaps with big meaty bean-laden dishes, try the reserva wines or Levante specialty Borbal that packs a juicy punch in the glass.

Valencia itself is best known for luscious sweet wines made from Moscatel and no one should go home without trying this sticky delight with the local turrón (nougat).

AT HOME

The rich and vibrant Monasterio de Santa Ana Monastrell 2006, Jumilla (£5.69, Waitrose). A juicy, easy-going bargain is Roblemar Monastrell 2007, Jumilla (£4.29, Sainsbury’s).

For a richer, juicier choice, with a dash of aromatic Garnacha in the blend, go for Altos de la Hoya Monastrell (£6.99, Oddbins).

Try the lush, sticky Moscatel de Valencia (£3.59, Sainsbury’s) with strawberries.

AND ONLINE…

Anyone looking to explore the wines of the Levante should get in touch with Spanish specialists such as Moreno Wines [www.more-nowines.com] or C&D Wines [www.canddwines.co.uk], both of whom deliver countrywide.

BEGINNERS’ LUCK

Zell Am See and Kaprun

Airport: Salzburg, Austria

There are three things a beginner skier looks for. The first is a resort with lots of gentle blue runs and a good smattering of red runs (for when you’re ready for the next stage after a hard week’s eating snow). The second is plenty of alpine lodges dotted strategically down the slopes for emergency liquid fortification when it’s all got a bit too much. And the third is a complete ban on semi-pro teenagers ‘buzzing’ you on the nursery slopes. Sadly, the last one is really hard to arrange, but the other two are no problem. With a total of 18 blue runs and 12 ski schools, the slopes at Zell Am See and Kaprun really are a beginner’s paradise, and at these Austrian resorts the glühwein never stops flowing.

Eat and drink:
Try Schloss Prielau, Zell’s top restaurant (schloss-prielau.at); or Guggenbichl (guggenbichl.at), an inn on the mountain above Kaprun which can organise a sled for diners who want to arrive in fine winter style.

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
There’s plenty of alpine fun to be had for those who need a break from the snowplough and “benz ze neez”. Sightseeing alpine flights, horse-drawn sleigh rides, tearing it up on an illuminated toboggan run or skating on the beautiful frozen Lake Zell are all on offer. For more information, visit winter.zellamsee-kaprun.com.

Morzine and Avoriaz

Airport: Geneva, Switzerland

The skiing at Morzine and Avoriaz is also very good news for novices. As part of Les Portes du Soleil ski area, the two resorts rack up a total of 163 green and blue runs — that’s one run a day for about five months. That and some excellent childcare and ski school options, make it a brilliant choice for a family holiday. Among others, there is L’Outa kindergarten, which takes nippers aged three months to five years (www.outa-morzine.com), and Club des Piou Piou for your kidlets’ first ski lessons, taking three to 12-year-olds (+33 (0)4 50 79 13 13).

Eat and drink:
Morzine’s La Grange offers regional specialities in an elegant rustic setting (www.lagrange-morzine.com); Christophe Leroy Restaurant is a good, smart option in Avoriaz (www.christophe-leroy.com/tablemarcheavoriaz).

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
OK, so the kids are in safe hands (albeit hurtling themselves down near-vertical slopes) but your thighs can take no more — now’s the time for a little self-indulgence. Hobble off to Espace Thalgo at Hôtel des Dromonts (www.christopheleroy.com/hotelavoriaz) or Avoriaz SPA (+33(0)4 50 38 32 69) to get yourself pummeled back into shopping shape, then hit the luxury clothing boutiques, jewellers, and perfumeries. So much fun you might forget to pick the kids up. To find out more, check out www.morzine-avoriaz.com.

A HAPPY MEDIUM

Val D’Isère and Tignes

Airport: Chambéry, France

You’re off the greens and are happy on most reds but there’s not a bat’s chance in hell of you going on a black run — at least not without crying and a helicopter rescue. It’s the typical intermediate-level skier’s problem: where to find an inspiring, mid-level resort. Together, Val d’Isère and Tignes form renowned ski area Espace Killy, which has around 100 blue and red runs, making it the intermediate’s destination of choice, especially those who want to push themselves a bit. There’s also a snow park to learn kicks and jumps without the public humiliation of wiping out on the slopes.

Eat and drink:
Steeped in local history, L’Atelier d’Edmond (www.atelier-edmond.com) is a great choice — think roaring fires, original menu and a shuttle service. In Tignes it’s worth booking ahead for the tiny, but exceptionally popular, 26-seater Le Clin d’Oeil (+33 (0)4 79 06 59 10).

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
If you’re feeling battered and bruised, the best remedy is a bit of aqua therapy. You could try day or night ice-diving in Lake Tignes and check out the view through holes in the frozen surface. Only joking! The real aqua therapy can be found at Tignes’ La Lagon, which has pools, waterslides, waterfalls, a geyser, a Turkish bath, three saunas and eight different types of showers. For more info go to www.valdisere.com and tignes.net.

Valloire and Valmeinier

Airport: Chambéry, France

You’ve come on leaps and bounds (with a few bumps and scrapes along the way) and now you’re happy pootling down the slopes — and that’s just the way you want to keep it. What you’re looking for is a classic downhill experience, where you can enjoy wide, uncrowded slopes without being harangued by boy racers, and where you can stop and smell the edelweiss (figuratively speaking, that is). The resorts of Vallorire and Valmeinier, with their cute traditional alpine feel and broad, tree-lined slopes offer the quintessential winter break you’re after.

Eat and drink:
There’s a lot of local French cooking at these two resorts, but Le Gastilleur in Valloire and L’Estaminet in Valmeinier merit a special mention (try the latter’s fondue).

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
These charming traditional resorts were made for mooching around, eating crêpes and getting stuck into the local produce (of which there’s tonnes). There is also dog-sledding, torch-lit parades, clown shows, juggling, sporting tournaments, games, regional produce-tasting, café-theatre, concerts and cabaret — all good, clean alpine fun. See valloire.net and www.valmeinier.com for more details.

WAY TO GO, PRO

Saalbach-Hinterglemm and Leogang

Airport: Salzburg, Austria

OK, fancy pants, we get it: you can ski. And snowboard. But what about the rest? The really good show-off stuff? If you want a resort to showcase your talents, or even improve on them, you need to get yourself to SaalbachHinterglemm and Leogang. Not only is the three-piste network over 220km in length, with 11 black runs to make your hair stand on end, but there are also two snowparks to hone your tricks on. FYI, the one in Leogang has superior kickers, rails and jibs. It all combines to make this resort a mecca for boarders, freestylers and newschool skiers — with an après-ski to match.

Eat and drink:
The 5pm tea bar at Hinterhagalm is one of Saalbach’s most notable après-ski events (www.hinterhag. at); in Leogang, Die Alte Schmiede, in an old smithy up the mountain, is worth a visit (www.alteschmiede-leogang.com).

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
Despite the buzzing nightlife and the daredevil skiing, the resorts are very family-friendly and there is plenty of stuff to do — albeit mostly with an active edge. Snowcatting, tobogganing, night-skiing, hang gliding, ice skating, ice hockey — hell, there’s even curling if you fancy it. If you don’t, there are scores of restaurants and bars to keep you busy. Go to www.saalbach.com and leogang-saalfelden.at.

Chamonix, Les Houches and Argentière

Airport: Geneva, Switzerland

Mont Blanc. Two words that sum up why this is ski heaven for those who are a dab hand on their Volants. None of the trails drops into town and the weather can change in the blink of an eye. But this is what happens when you’re experiencing (some would say) the world’s best expert skiing, on one of the world’s most beautiful mountains. What’s more, Chamonix, Les Houches and Argentière — all in the Mont Blanc valley — are totally old school so you can expect plenty of alpine charm, with narrow streets stuffed with cafés, cute eateries, shopping and quality hotels, and a lively but not insane après ski. And all of it in the shadow of the stunning 15,767-foot summit.

Eat and drink:
Le Hameau Albert — regarded as Chamonix’s best — serves up fusion nouvelle-cuisine mountain food (hameaualbert.fr); feast on food and the stunning views at Les Granges d’en Haut (grangesdenhaut. com) in Les Houches; La Dahu is an Argentière institution (www.hotel-le-dahu.com).

He wants to board, you’re just plain bored
Well, to be fair, the top flight skiing and gorgeous towns should be enough to keep you occupied. But if you do want a break from being awed, consider these: dog sledding (where you, pro mushers and several excitable huskies go for a ride), ski joëring (where you’re pulled along on your skis by horses) and a Saint Bernard breeding kennel (where even the biggest black-run-munching hard-nut will go weak at the knees). For more info visit www.chamonix.com.

Hazel Davis forgets warm woollies and leaves out a plate of tapas for Santa
PHOTO: DIGITAL RAILROAD / REX / ALAMY / CORBIS / 4CORNERSIMAGES

Bored of stretching woolly tights over pale, white legs and wearing extra lipstick, not to attract kisses from chaps but simply to prevent chapping? Why not ditch the office party and head to warmer climes for some seasonal misbehaviour. After all you don’t need to have snow to get a treat in your stocking?

SHARM EL SHEIKH

For romance a little farther afield, where could be better than the Sharm El Sheikh on the shores of the Red Sea?

With temperatures still hitting 29C during the day, Sharm El Sheikh is no place to wear a furry Santa hat. But the Egyptian city where it never rains — really — is good enough for Torchwood star John Barrowman who often visits for some winter diving.

To mark Christmas Sharm hangs coloured lights on its palm trees and you might see the odd camel dressed up for the season. You have your pick of romantic multicoloured beachfront restaurants serving food cooked fresh to order and then you can finish off the night over an ice-cream sundae for two.

If dancing is the way to your true love’s heart then Sharm has it in spades. The world-famous Pacha is open all year round. For a night to remember, hire a private VIP terrace for you and your paramour before dancing ‘til sunrise

You can while away your days pottering around the markets and shops of Sharm looking for belated Christmas gifts or sharing the delights of the deep with a scuba-diving trip.

For an altogether more earthy experience — and to maximise your chances of seasonal togetherness — take your beloved to a Bedouin camp for a candlelit dinner with traditional music and an evening spent gazing at the stars by the open fire.

Or get spiritual and take a hike to Mount Sinai, where Moses received the Ten Commandments — without forgetting number six’s particular relevance to consenting adults.

Sharm el Sheikh, 4-Star, All-inclusive, 7 nights, Depart Manchester, 21/12/08 from £549pp

CANARY ISLANDS

The Christmas season in Lanzarote officially begins on 8 December (the Feast of the Immaculate Conception). Most bars close on Christmas Eve as it’s a very important family occasion and the main Christmas celebrations take place on 6 January (the Feast of the Epiphany).

But the New Year’s Eve fireworks display in the main resort of Puerto Del Carmen is the perfect place to take up a sparkler and go on the hunt for an explosive embrace. In the run-up to Christmas, you can also find choirs and beach concerts to inspire feelings of togetherness and some festive (if slightly sweaty-palmed) hand-holding.

If you’re still dreaming of a white Christmas, snow can be seen occasionally on El Teide in Tenerife, a dormant volcano which is the highest mountain on Spanish territory. Elsewhere on the island the poinsettias and pungent pines planted in the parks and gardens create that seasonal feeling in the great outdoors.

If you are lucky enough to be spending 25th December itself on the island, the Tenerife Symphony Orchestra performs a free traditional Christmas Concert at 10pm in the port of Santa Cruz. Snuggle up with your squeeze and think about the presents waiting for you under the tree when you get home.

Golf del Sur, 3-Star, Self Catering, 7 nights, Depart Manchester, 19/12/08 from £399pp

COSTA CÁLIDA

Where better to make out under the mistletoe than Moorish Murcia? Just saying it makes your lips more kissable. At the south-eastern corner of the Iberian peninsula, Murcia boasts 170 km of coastline, featuring dinky little beaches, hidden coves and craggy cliffs. The city of Murcia itself combines a long history and a 21st-Century buzz, with tapas bars and heaving pavement cafes aplenty.

For a secluded place to seek Christmas lovin’, pack up your rubbers and head to Mar Menor (or “Little Sea”), Europe’s largest saltwater lagoon. Soak and float in the healing waters, take natural mud baths, or try a treatment for two in one of the myriad spas lining the banks.

If you fancy a bit of authenticity, take a trip around the Mar Menor and visit the cute Spanish villages still unspoiled by tourism. Get down (and possibly dirty) with the locals in one of the many tapas bars or just sit and watch the sunset over a jug of sangria.

Just north of the Mar Menor is the town of San Pedro del Pinatar, a thriving fishing town, also beloved by locals as a holiday resort. It’s widely known that flamingos mate for life, so for a taste of wildlife romance, head to the Parque Regional de Salinas y Arenales de San Pedro, a protected natural park and an important area for those elegant pink birds. What better setting for getting your smooch on with a strapping Spanish fisherman?

In the village of Los Alcazares, half way along the inland side of the Mar Menor, the Carnival of the Mar Menor celebrates the end of the winter jointly with San Javier and San Pedro del Pinatar in the first week of December. Alternatively, shimmy down to The New Salsa Bar on Calle Penelope for dirty dancing into the wee small hours.

La Manga, 4-Star, Self Catering, 7 nights, Depart Leeds Bradford, 19/12/08, from £284pp

ALGARVE

With a 200km stretch of coastline on which the sun beats down even in December (take note, Northumberland) the Algarve is the perfect place to get some hot kisses. The regional capital, Faro, is a wonderland at Christmas, with brightly coloured Christmas lights and extravagant shop-window displays.

Walk hand-in-hand with your mistletoe conquest and glance shyly at the diamond sparklers in jewellers’ windows, stroll around the Roman walls or partake of the local delicacy — appropriately enough it’s oysters.

For a romantic picnic, head to Alte, one of the most picturesque villages in the Algarve. In the winter sun, stroll through the narrow winding streets to Fonte Pequena and Fonte Grande, the historic meeting place for the village’s women, now an ideal alfresco dining spot under the shady trees.

Between 25 December and 6 January, there is a tradition of people taking to the streets to sing janeiras (new year carols) and talk about the year’s most important events. Groups of local inhabitants challenge householders to listen to their verses in exchange for seasonal sweet fritters or brandy.

But if you’re a secret swinger, pack up your buggy and plus-fours and head to one of the Algarve’s 32 world-class golf courses. December offers the perfect climate to take to the greens so expect to see hardcore players on the course.

British DJ Chris Evans is a big fan of the place and last year he and his new wife, Natasha Shishmanian, held a 200-guest wedding reception in Faro. Pop singer Ronan Keating and England footballers Steven Gerrard and Michael Owen are known to frequent the area so if you want a WAG-shaped smacker, it’s the place to go.

Praia da Rocha, 3-Star, Self Catering, 7 nights, Depart Leeds Bradford, 20/12/08, from £264pp

TEXT LUCILLE HOWE
PHOTOS HELEN CATHCART

Imagine the hit Hollywood TV show relocated to the Mediterranean. One speedboat, two hummers, five VIP passes and a weekend to remember…

So, you’ve arrived in Ibiza to rock the party island with your posse. You’re waxed/freshly shaved, manicured/ groomed, decked out in your best clobber and ready for your close up. There’s only one problem — you haven’t a clue where to start. There are girls in hotpants flogging tickets for the big clubs at thirty quid a pop but you don’t want to get ripped off. You know all the best hangouts are off the beaten track, but don’t know how to find them. Cue: the Godfather.

Charlie Chester is to Ibiza what Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone was to New York — only more likely to blag you in to a cool party than leave a horse’s head in your bed. Together with his wife, DJ Jo Mills, Charlie has developed a legendary reputation as a club promoter on the island. The culmination of all those decades of partying and networking is his new company, Icon, and they’ll make you feel like one during one of their tailor-made clubbing weekenders.

Whether you want a jeep safari with www.adventura.com, a trip to the white beaches of Formentera in an Italian speedboat, or a VIP table at Pacha, Charlie can sort it.

Our Fixer for the weekend is Chris Vaux, Charlie’s right-hand man. The 28-year-old DJ from Portsmouth spends the season driving celebs around in his pimped-up Hummer (yours for 120 eur an hour) and walking them into clubs without so much as a second glance from security. Last year he had 24 hours’ notice that P. Diddy would require entertaining after his yacht sprung a leak. “He wanted plasma TV screens with his videos on loop,” says Chris before he dictates a quick email into the Parrot next to the wheel and then cranks up the Bose sound system.

Hosting Diddy also meant holding “castings” for barmen to service parties at his villa who wouldn’t then blab to the press, finding chefs to do the catering and sourcing huge generators to power the music system. “The whole time he wore white fluffy socks with black sandals,” Chris laughs. “If you’re sun-bathing that’s going to leave you with bad skin socks”.

Chris has also picked up Sienna Miller “a bit worse for wear” and drove Jade Jagger to one of her club nights last season. And if it’s not celebs in the back seat, then it’s super-rich businessmen, like the South African who sat at a £10,000-a-night minimum-spend table in Pasha, drinking £800 bottles of Dom Perignon. Or the 28-year-old property developer from Berlin who’s given Chris a millionaire’s budget to stage a birthday party for him this month.

Burlesque-styled girls in frilly knickers wink from the podiums and an aerial acrobat hangs off a giant disco ball

So, with my Wing Woman turning heads, we pull up outside Eden for Pete Tong’s Wonderland opening night of the season. His move from Pasha to the superclub in the more touristy San Antonio (or “San An”) is the most controversial news of the summer but that hasn’t stopped the crowds gathering at 2am. Icon can fix you up with VIP access before you can say, “it’s all about me, me, me,” so the velvet rope has been unhooked and we’re in the pit with Kaz from the Bodyrockers and Simon and Yasmin Le Bon. Some of the real Ibiza players are there, ordering champagne and fluttering their fans in time with the baseline — and that’s just the boys. Burlesque-styled girls in corsets and frilly knickers wink from the podiums and an aerial acrobat hangs off a giant disco ball.

The Groove Armada DJs bash out tune after tune, while Charlie’s wife, Jo, rocks the upstairs Looking Glass room. Then Pete Tong takes the booth for his set which be simultaneously broadcast live on Radio 1. The pouting brunette at his side is protective and squeezes beside the decks with him, flicking through the album of discs waiting to be played — vinyl having been long since abandoned. The freeze frame of the night: 2,000 people going mental to Superstyling.

ACCESS ALL AREAS: OUR ENTOUR AGE CHECKS OUT LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE VELVET ROPE

The perfect location for beautiful people to languish on divans that cost £40 a day to rent

If there’s an Ibizan way to ease through a hangover, it’s spending the afternoon at a beach club, so we head to the Blue Marlin at Cala Jondal (bluemarlinibiza.co; tel: +34 616 233 678 for all Icon restaurant bookings), the perfect location for beautiful people to languish on divans that cost £40 a day to rent. A fashion show takes the boys attention away from their £11 pincho pollo sate (chicken satay). “I want that dress,” says my Wing Woman as she eyes a sheer kaftan over the rim of her £13.50 sangria. With the hot and toned extras and sun-drenched chill-out soundtrack it’s the perfect Entourage crowd shot.

If there are opening credits to this episode, then it’s you and your crew posing in a speedboat from the www.boatchartercompany.com (tel: +34 616 422 978) with its skipper, Lenny. All part of the Icon experience, you can park your bikinied behind on the cream leather seats or stretch out your limbs on the helm, where the sun, sea and salt combine to tan you the colour of walnut veneer. Forty minutes later we’re moored off a beach on the neighbouring island, Formentera, where the dreamy water is clear as cling-film. You can wave sympathetically at the smaller boats and pretend you’re not impressed behind your oversized sunnies when the bigger ones pass.

THE BIG CHILL: TAKING IT EASY AND CATCHING SOME RAYS ON SEA AND LAND

Cut to night-time Ibiza and there are two places you should take your taste buds on their hols — either rock up yourself, or get Icon to book you the top table in advance. The first is Sa Capella, a converted church in Carretera Santa Ines (tel: +34 971 340 057) which has attracted the likes of Carl Cox, Pete Tong and Calvin Harris to dine in its alcoves. Start with a Kir Royale then enjoy the novelty of cooking your own slivers of ox steak over a bed of heated rock salt.

When Wayne Rooney hit San An for his stag do there were twenty paps on his trail. If you want attention from the right people, go and watch the sunset at the legendary Mambo (where Rooney camped) then hop in the Hummer for the second must-do, latest destination venue Aura. A successful entourage can take over a place and at Aura scene-stealing groups can grab seats in the garden booths for tapas so insanely tasty they deserve a credit of their own, and then commandeer the amber-glowing dancefloor while sipping watermelon martinis.

TOP TABLES: ICON CAN BOOK YOU INTO THE SMARTEST PL ACES TO E AT AND DRINK

Chris knows how to keep the ladies happy and drops us at the spa at the new Gran Hotel. Open for just a few months old, it’s packed with the most sophisticated pampering gear and £36 buys you a day pass. Brave the biothermal shower with its alternate ice cold/stinging hot jets, clear your lungs in the hammam with its salty steam, or sleep off the previous night’s clubbing — like this entourage did — in the relaxation room with water beds and heated wooden chairs.

INDELIBLE MEMORY: HEAD TO INK ADELIC AND GET TAGGED FOR LIFE LIKE THE BIG NAME DJ’S

As this special Ibiza episode of Entourage comes to an end (LA? Pah — so last year!) this girl surrenders to Jade Jagger’s tattoo-artist mate to mark the crazy times with ink at Inkadelic (www.inkadelic.com; tel: +34 971 192 985). Neil Aherne — hot as hell, with a piratey gold tooth and a dog called Scratch — is the real thing. “Ask yourself why you’re having the tattoo,” he suggests. I already know why and it’s a secret I’m not sharing. “And I don’t do angels or fairies,” he warns scathingly. Which is fair enough. It’s really best to leave him to it because he’s going to design you something more beautiful than you could ever doodle on a scrap of paper. With the fans whirring overhead and D’Angelo and remixes of classic Stones records distracting me from the pain, it’s a strangely sexy experience.

With the entourage nodding heads to Balearic beats in the Hummer, it’s time to leave the island and go back to being nobodies again. But while there’s a tan, a tattoo and a Facebook album of superfly pics to remember it by, it’s not really The End. Besides, there’s still the season’s closing parties to head back for.

To be continued…

For more info visit www.iconibiza.com

TEXT HAZEL DAVIS PHOTO CORBIS / GETTY

Hazel Davis is tickled pink with laughter yoga in Budapest.

It’s the wrong side of 6.30am and I don’t feel particularly funny — I haven’t had any caffeine yet and I’ve eschewed the five-star comfort of the Gresham Palace, Budapest’s swankiest hotel, in favour of tramping up a large, grassy hill to interact with a bunch of people I have never met in a language I can’t speak.

As I reach my destination, I see two people fling their arms open wide, throw their heads back and roar at each other. They are oblivious to me and I’m left standing there, feeling very awkward.

I am here to take part in a laughter yoga session. The couple I’ve seen are part of a group who meet on Gellert Hill every Monday morning, come rain or shine, to start the week with a smile.

But it’s freezing cold and I’m finding it hard not to scowl. Instructor Ferenc Domjan, a beaming Hungarian, introduces me to the assembling throng which immediately puts me more at ease.

The rapturous laughter with which the two members greeted each other earlier is repeated each time someone new arrives and I relax properly as I’m reassured that they weren’t laughing at me. But then I begin to worry that I won’t be able to erupt spontaneously in such an easy fashion.

As the class arrives in dribs and drabs, Ferenc begins to warm us up with some simple stretching exercises, delivered — praise the swami — in English as well as Hungarian.

There are about ten people in the group, most of them Hungarians of a certain age. But there is also a handsome young man with long hair and a heart-melting smile, and even a couple of Japanese tourists.

Ferenc calls out types of laughter he wants to hear from us and we oblige. “Now the laugh of someone who is very shy, through the fingers,” he says. I have no problem with this one but it also does the trick — my own social ice begins to break and I begin to look at my classmates with more interest.

The next exercise involves laughing at someone with whom you are arguing. This entails pointing at someone and guffawing like they are a complete fool. It feels very liberating for an inhibited Brit like me to be able to abuse a stranger in this way.

All the exercises are interactive and require you to look at someone and laugh with them or at them. This means that within minutes an intimate bond forms between us and suddenly I feel perfectly at ease hugging complete strangers.

There is a stunning-looking woman with long brown hair and an animated face. Judging by her physical appearance she must be a “proper” yoga devotee and enters into the spirit of the session with gusto, encouraging me and singling me out for attention, making sure I have a partner when one is required.

For anyone who has ever tried, the Hungarian language can be one of the most difficult to learn and the linguistic barrier often makes attempts to converse with the Budapest locals a bit frustrating. However, today we are communicating purely through gesture and it’s a pretty amazing thing.

One of the exercises involves pretending to look at someone’s passport picture and laughing at them. This is typical Hungarian humour, laced with schadenfreude (or legszebb öröm a káröröm). However, one lady — despite all of us having been instructed to use no words apart from nonsense words — eyes my fictional picture, grabs my hand and whispers, “beautiful”.

As we run through scenarios in which laughter might be required, it strikes me that laughter yoga is less a spiritual practice more a social strategy. And it’s not a bad one. After all, didn’t Mark Twain say that humans’ only really effective weapon is laughter?

The practice was born in 1995, the brainchild of Dr Madan Kataria, an Indian doctor and yoga student who wanted to harness the medical benefits of laughter. There are now more than 6,000 laughter yoga clubs in 60 countries.

Ferenc tells me he got involved when his brother, a doctor, met a woman in Florida who claimed that her cancer was partly cured by laughter yoga. He says that he has had cancer patients in his groups who claim the therapy has done them more good than any conventional medicine.

And this activity — although it takes place at an unholiday-like hour — is perfect for people who want to meet real Hungarians and don’t fancy standing around awkwardly in a bar. As Ferenc says: “We don’t need language — laughter is universal.”

At the end of the session, I feel slightly bereft that I have to leave. The faces of my fellow group-members have become so familiar to me in such a short space of time and, although we have hardly said jó napot (or hello), we have shared one of the most friendly and intimate of experiences.

As I cross the Elizabeth Bridge over the glittering Danube and the sun begins to warm me, I realise that the day hasn’t even really started yet and already I have lots to laugh about, not least that I am in a stunning city, I have a five-star breakfast followed by a luxury Tokaji massage waiting for me on my return to the hotel. Altogether now — ah, ha, ha, ha!

For information on Laughter Yoga Budapest contact Ferenc Domjan: +36 20 971 6187 rabies@freemail.hu

Hazel Davis stayed at www.fourseasons.com/budapest