HOW TO… JOIN THE TWITTERATI
CAN’T FACE ANY MORE FACEBOOK? FED UP OF THE ENDLESS LIVE FEEDS? PUT A FREEZE ON ALL THOSE TEDIOUS E-FRIENDSHIPS WITH THESE ANTISOCIAL NETWORKING TIPS PAR EXCELLENCE
What would we do without social networking? Some actual work, probably. When it comes to modern technology, nothing is more successful – and creates as much division – as the act of harnessing the apex of 4,000 years of accumulated technological advances in order to tell the world what your five favourite biscuits are, or how much you miss the genius of Michael Jackson/Stephen Gately/Keith Floyd. For some people, it’s as much a part of their daily routine as eating and drinking (there are already over 160 Facebook addiction groups on Facebook. That’s how addictive Facebook is). For others, it’s another example of the general nonviscosity of social bonding in modern society. Put it this way: if text messages and emails were perfect for people who didn’t want to talk to their mates, Twitter is for people who can’t even be bothered to do that. According to Jack Dorsey, the inventor of Twitter, the def inition of the name is “a short burst of inconsequential information” – and if he’s saying that, why should anyone else bother with it?
Here’s why. When used properly, Twitter and Facebook are capable of far more than just plumbing you into a pipeline of never-ending trivia. If you’re constantly on the move, they’re invaluable resources for staying in touch with your loved ones, plus they can raise your online profile to make you look dead important. All you have to do is filter in the right people, keep out the riff-raff, get shot of undesirables the minute they start playing up and – most important of all – lie your rear off in the most creative ways possible.
FORMULATE A PLAN FOR YOUR ONLINE PROFILE, AND STICK TO IT
Remember, Facebook was originally a networking tool for work purposes. Great news if you’re self-employed and need stay in touch with like-minded people; not so great if you make a living picking misshapen Noodle Doodles from a conveyor belt. So you need to decide whether you’re using Facebook for work or play – even though as soon as other people see you on there they’re going to hammer you with friend requests anyway.
As for Twitter, well, it was originally created for trivial purposes, but was soon hijacked for nefarious means by politicians. The high-water mark for Twitter was the 2008 US Election when Barack Obama used it constantly, while Republicans in Connecticut set up fake Twitter accounts for 33 local Democrat bigwigs and got up to all manner of tomfoolery. Tsk. Find something you feel you specialise in, be it an activity or an area of the world, and bang on relentlessly about it. For example, the Twittersphere is rammed with travel tweeters, from official tourist boards (such as @visitholland and @arizonatourism), to solid advice and tips (such as @seatguru – how to nab the best seats on planes), to the outright random (such as @stoppedclocks, which aims to document every public clock in the UK that doesn’t work any more).
HAVE A CONVERSATION – FOR ABOUT THREE HOURS AT THE BARE MINIMUM – WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS
We now live in a world where we find out about other people’s marriages, divorces, pregnancies and split-ups via a few dozen characters and a thumbnail gif of a broken heart. You might think social networking is a convenient way of letting the world know about what’s going on with your life, but a sizable chunk of that world would still rather be told about certain things face to face – y’know, as if they were a friend, as opposed to an address on a mailing list. Particularly the person you have just dumped after changing your profile status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.
GET HOOKED UP TO FAMOUS PEOPLE, AND ACT AS IF YOU KNOW THEM
This is dead easy to do if you’re on Twitter – there are entire magazines available that do nothing but list the account details of celebs. Obviously, said celebs don’t give a toss how many people subscribe to their accounts. For example, Hugh Hefner has 75,000 people on his Twitter friend list, but do you honestly think he sits there thinking: “Hmmm, should I roll about on a massive bed with some blonde quintuplets, or should I talk to some people I don’t know?”
However, don’t let that deter you. Make sure to tack on @(name of celebrity here) in your tweets, no matter how mundane, to make you look as if you and they are in the same boat. Example: “@barackobama and I both think that dark chocolate Digestives are better with tea.” At the very least, get linked up to Stephen Fry – he’ll take anyone on, and takes Twittering so seriously that there’s a decent chance he might even talk to you. His embracing of social networking is so all-consuming that when he threatened to leave Twitter after a row with someone it became headline news, and brought on the ire of people such as antiques expert Martin Miller. “The internet has the effect of drawing children in and locking them psychologically in a type of foetal deadlock where nothing is linear, everything is lateral
and globular,” he said in a press release. Unfortunately, even he fell into the same trap by going on to say, “I’m with Vivienne Westwood on this one…”
THINK VERY CAREFULLY ABOUT LINKING UP WITH PEOPLE YOU KNEW AT SCHOOL
The temptation to virtually “reacquaint yourself ” with that boy who looked awfully drooly in that red Harrington with a UB40 transfer on the back, or that girl who filled out a school uniform as if she was smuggling a bouncy castle, is irresistible, but the urge has to be fought against at all costs. If you can’t or won’t, don’t be surprised if you are faced with images of said girl spilling out of the same school uniform in Flares, or said boy looking as if he has been comprehensively beaten with the obesity stick.
Not only that, but there’s another downside to adding your schoolmates – the fact that most of them can’t let go of the past. You could be having a very illuminating discussion with your new chums about, say, the objectification of women in the “Rate A Hottie” box to the side of your profile, only for it to be interrupted by someone you haven’t seen since last century butting in with “don’t no bout th@, m8 – u usd 2 sel me nudy bks @ skul LOL”.
HONE AND POLISH YOUR FRIEND LIST TO A BLINDING SHEEN
Look at it this way: if you were hosting an enormous dinner party, would you invite absolutely everyone you knew? Of course not. There’d be arguments and fights and someone’s eye would get taken out with a flying sausage roll. So cull at will, for any reason whatsoever – the pettier the better. For example, here’s a shortlist of misdemeanours that have lead to various acquaintances being expelled from my hallowed circle of friendship…
Using the word “chillax” in status updates.
Repeating the same joke about Michael Jackson on four occasions.
Persistently talking about The X Factor, as if it were actually important in any way.
Bombarding me with invites for events at his pub, down to and including the opening of a new brazier in the beer garden.
Updating their status in online poker games every two minutes.
IF YOU CAN’T CUT IT ONLINE, PAY FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN
If anyone has fully grasped the true worth of social networking – by appearing to be accessible to the general public while shoving them as far away as possible – it’s celebs, and a depressingly sizeable amount of copywriters are currently eking out a living as “ghost tweeters”. Britney Spears recently took out a job advert for someone to handle her Facebook and Twitter accounts, while Kanye West has two people writing his blog for him. If, like them, you can’t be bothered to fiddle about with your BlackBerry in the back of a Hum mer for a l l of ha l f a minute every day, there are plenty of consultancies and freelancers desperate to take money from you – but be prepared to pay anything from £20 an hour to hundreds of pounds for a full revamp. However, as Shaquille O’Neal pointed out (possibly on Twitter), “It’s 140 characters… if you need a ghostwriter for that, I feel sorry for you.” If you need to know which celeb is faking it, try www.tweetexorcist.com, a site which specialises, rather opportunistically, in outing ghostwritten Twitter accounts.
BE PREPARED FOR EVERY SKELETON IN YOUR FRIENDS’ CLOSETS TO TUMBLE OUT
As Shakespeare himself said: “There’s many a slip twixt keyboard and fingertip.” It’s frightening how quickly people forget that the whole point of social networking is to let everybody see almost every-thing you write, upload and link to. For example, thanks to Facebook, I now know that one of my best mates – a massive, hairy, thrash metal fan – is very keen on groups where other men put up photos of themselves wearing stockings and suspenders. I had another friend who had a penchant for groups entitled “White Girls Should Date White Men” (notice the usage of the word “had”), and I was also fortunate enough to catch part of an incriminating Wall conversation between two work colleagues in which they were being most uncharitable about their boss’s wife. Unfortunately, so did said boss. Oops.
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