KRAKÓW’S BEST CELLARS
DUNGEONS & DUNGEONS
As the mercury plummets, Kraków nightlife heads underground. Local Duncan Rhodes shows us where to find beer and beats beneath the streets. Photos by Simon Crofts
Kraków is a city of two distinct drinking habits. During the summer it’s everyone for themselves as Krakovians compete for the coveted tables outside on the sun-soaked stretches of the Main Square. But during the winter, when sub-zero temperatures have even the most dedicated followers of fashion hunting for their saggy, beige long johns, there’s only one place to head – and that’s underground.
Kraków’s cellar bars (piwnice) are legendary. Ask any Polish grandma about the cavernous lairs under Kraków and you’ll hear fables of kings frequenting brothels, shoemakers slaying dragons and – slightly more credibly – of illegal cabarets that ridiculed the Soviet regime during the Communist era. Whatever you see or hear on street level, you haven’t experienced Kraków properly until you’ve delved deep beneath the surface. It’s here that Krakovians come to drink, relax, talk, shout, dance, flirt – and drink some more.
Before you make like Orpheus and descend into this shadowy underworld, there’s a few things you should probably know. The first is that the line between pub, bar and club in any given Krakovian establishment is almost as hazy as most punters’ memories the next day. Nonetheless, there are some venues where the focus is more on drinking than on dancing, for example, and others where it’s all about the boogie.
If the former is what you’re after then CK Browar is a good place to start. A modest entrance by the Theatre Bagatela gives way to a cavernous Bavarian-style drinking hall where punters eagerly get to grips with the various ales on offer from the joint’s microbrewery. Best of all, you can order the good stuff in enormous three-litre tubes, which waitresses bring to your table and attach to special taps. The chance to pour you own pints is not to be missed!
For those that prefer to sip rather than quaff, Swieta Krowa on Florianska Street is a more refined choice of watering hole. Here, in a light mist of incense and cigarette smoke, studenty types discuss nihilism (that’s a no-score draw to you and me) and recline on comfortable sofas with a latte. A fish tank, devoid of living creatures, contains the tiny figure of a Buddha – perhaps it’ll help you drink your way to enlightenment.
Another mellow joint with plenty of character is the Tolkien-themed Middle Earth pub (Srodziemie in Polish). Discuss the merits of the books against the films surrounded by reliefs that depict, among other things, some rather fruity goings-on between naughty goblins. With drinks named after characters such as Arwen and Tom Bombadil, there’s certainly plenty of fun to be had for Lord Of The Rings fans, although legend has it that if you’re still giggling over a Bilbo Baggins by sunrise you’ll be turned to stone…
A five-minute jaunt out of the Old Town will take you to the little-known gem that is Vinyl Music Club. A student hangout, this red-bricked venue is plastered with old 12-inch records, the toilet seats feature encased barbed wire, and (more importantly) the booze is dirt cheap. The club’s big event to look out for is the monthly Black Tie and White Stripes indie rock night, presided over by DJ Analog. Check out the calendar on www.cracow-life.com for the exact date of this month’s session.
Thankfully, most of the best piwnice in this city have a dancefloor, the key ingredient in getting the party going. If you’re looking to dance until the wee hours, Szewska Street is a good place to start and, with the likes of Przychodnia Rewolucja, Rece i Nogi, Goraczka and Music Bar No. 9 competing for your custom, club-crawling has never been so easy. All boast cheesy music, cheap Polish beer and cheeky girls in short skirts, with only Frantic (opposite McDonald’s) offering a vaguely serious DJ programme. If you love the Costa Brava you’ll love these places.
If, however, this sounds like hell, then check out the more elitist downstairs of Kraków’s premier basement clubs: Prozak, Cien and Rdza. Prozak was originally a haunt for Kraków’s rich and beautiful, but a tendency to admit every drunken foreigner in town has scared away many of Kraków’s most finely chiselled cheekbones.
Cien is a conundrum. While it has great décor, stunning women and DJs flown in from Ibiza, the bouncers will keep half your mates out, though not the salivating losers in tight T-shirts, and trips to the bar can easily turn into odysseys of Homeric proportions.
Which leaves Rdza. A less reliable choice than either Prozak or Cien, it can often prove to be better than both. With comfy sofas and sleek decorative touches, Rdza certainly looks the part. Once they get rid of the tacky cage on the dancefloor the metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly will be complete.
Finally, Ministerstwo deserves a special mention as a midweek clubbing option. Often neglected at the weekends, this eccentric venue is always heaving on Tuesdays during the funky Today parties. A combination of great music and drinks specials make this the most popular mid-week party in town. The organisers also promote a Monday party in Prozak, a Wednesday party in Frantic and a Thursday party in Cien, so there’s no excuse for staying in, whatever day of the week.
Polish chat-up lines
Masz piekne ocze (pronounced ‘mash pee-enk-ney o-chey’) – You have beautiful eyes Masz piekny usmiech (pronounced ‘mash pee-enk-nee oosh-mee-eck’) – You have a beautiful smile Masz piekna dupe (pronounced ‘mash pee-enk-nor doop-a’) – You have a cute butt
UNDERGROUND ADDRESS BOOK
CK Browar
ul. Podwale 6-7
Swieta Krowa
ul. Floria ska 16 Srodziemie pl. Wszystkich Swietych 8
Vinyl Music Club
ul. Lobzowska 20
Przychodnia Rewolucja
ul. Szewska 23
Rece i Nogi
ul. Szewska 14
Goraczka
ul. Szewska 7
Music Bar No. 9
ul. Szewska 9
Prozak
pl. Dominikanski 6
Cien
ul. Jana 15
Rdza
ul. Bracka 3-5
Ministerstwo
ul. Szpitalna 1
Polish drinks
Prosze jedno piwo (pronounced ‘prosh-a jed-no peev-o’) – One beer please Prosze dwie tatanki (pronounced ‘prosh-a dvee-er ta-tank-ee’) – Two vodkas and apple juice please Prosze trzy wsciekle psy (pronounced ‘tchy v-shchek-wey p-sey’) – Three Mad Dogs (vodka, raspberry juice and Tabasco sauce) please
Words by Duncan Rhodes / www.cracow-life.com
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