JETSETTER’S GUIDE TO… VALENTINE’S TRIPS
THE JETSETTER’S GUIDE TO VALENTINE’S GETAWAYS
Are your romantic trips usually more heartbreak hotel than hearts and flowers? Sally Howard gives some advice on how to fill your lovin’ cup
Close your eyes and meditate on the word ‘romance’. The chances are that your shut-eye script runs something along the lines of: ‘Scene one. In the background a warm, rising sun picks out the dramatic façade of Notre Dame. In the foreground a couple on a narrow balcony are glued in the sort of embrace normally associated with dockside reunions at the end of long wars. Below them an impossibly cheery local looks picturesque holding a baguette.’
Now flick back through your real-life Rolodex of romantic breaks. The “charming boutique hotel” that turned out to be a porridge-coloured concrete block clinging to the outskirts of an industrial town; the promising new beau who began your dirty weekend away with the sex appeal of Brad Pitt and ended it with that of an unwashed armpit. It makes you want to stuff your face with Häagen-Dazs and weep into the cratered chasm between icy fact and sun-burnished fiction, doesn’t it? Fortunately, help is at hand. JetAway’s guide to ensuring every romantic weekend goes with a bang (or several) follows.
Timing is everything
If your relationship is drifting out to sea, be sure Polyfila in a few of the cracks before your departure. Otherwise you’ll end up staring at each other across the bouillabaisse, wishing that you were at home eyeballing Ant and Dec over a pizza instead. “Don’t look to a romantic break to heal your relationship rut,” says Julie Taylor of match.com. “If apologies are in order, get them over with before you leave.” Similarly, make sure you get your new number’s number before setting off. The brooding looker you met in the gym may have abs of steel, but after 36 solid you-and-them hours they could also prove to have the personality of a cast-iron skillet.
Choosing your hotspot
According to studies, the romance quotient of a destination is linked to the preponderance of cobbled streets, yet inversely proportional to the distance from the nearest golf course. Indulgence, seclusion and ambience should be top of the ticklist. Paris? Nul points for originality, but top marks for romance. Forget the subtlety, though, you can be a big cheese with Bateaux Parisiens’ Seine dinner cruise (www.bateauxparisiens.com).
If you prefer to wallow in indulgence, the Marbella Club Hotel and Spa regularly tops the polls as Spain’s best spa. Its Valentine’s Day offer includes a candlelit dinner for two and a two-day Thalasso spa, with algae baths and full-body massages (www.marbellaclub.com).
Alternatively, you could try a spell as king and queen of the castle. Dromoland Castle (www.dromoland.ie) is situated in acres of private park and woodland in County Clare, just over 1½ hour’s drive from Cork. Otherwise, Room for Romance (www.room4romance.com) is a reliable hotel guide covering Italy, France, Ireland and the UK, which does exactly what it says on the tin.
Lost in translation
Back home you’re a cosmopolitan European. You pepper your conversation with French phrases and entertain dinner guests with huge wheels of brie. Land yourself in Nice and you’ll be top poisson in the pond, eh? Nope, imbécile – you’re shouting unintelligible franglais at a decibel level that could wake the dead. Get some sexy savoir-faire with a preparatory language course from www.linguaphone.co.uk
The look of love
For him: you may be competing with olive-skinned lotharios with immovable hair, but that’s no excuse to fall quiff-first into the sort of look that befits a midlife crisis.
a) Don’t dress for your romantic sojourn as if you’ve come to mow the lawn – leave that to the American tourists.
b) Yes, Joaquín Cortés does look good in silky, black, skintight clothes, but you look like a hatstand in jodhpurs.
For her: women tend to prep for a romantic getaway as if they learned how to weave womanly voodoo from a 1980s’ Gold Blend advert – think blow-dried helmet hair, black corsetry and lots of glimmery lipgloss. Happily, heterosexual men comply by being, on the most part, utter simpletons when it comes to reading the signifiers of seduction.
Best possible taste
As someone with a healthy appetite, you may balk at the thought of dining in the kind of establishment that serves 15-word appetisers and mains the size of a Cheerio. Yet, as the preamble to an evening of romance, heartier comestibles such as Germany’s spätzle or sauerbraten simply won’t do. Likewise, chopsticks are rarely compatible with looking suave. If your stay coincides with a weekend night, remember to book your dining spots in advance – the sullen couples in gaudy touristy cafés are usually discussing how to split their DVDs. Dining By Candlelight: The World’s Most Romantic Restaurants (Bradley S O’Leary, Millivres Prowler Group) should give you a few pointers.
After dark
Picking a nightlife spot in which to get slowly sozzled together can also be a minefield. Brightly lit style bars are for talking about investment portfolios rather than romance, and clubs peopled by noisy drunks who want to pick a fight/become your best friend/ throw up on your shoes may be all the rage for singles, but they’re bad news for courting couples. For some peace, bars in top hotels are a reliable bet. ‘Wine bar’ also tends to be shorthand for ‘come in and stick your tongues down each other’s throats’.
Props
Proof, if proof were needed, that romance is an elusive imp is the fact that paraphernalia which screams ‘come to bed’ to some, can say ‘call the police’ to others. For tassles, playsuits and whips with the style seal of approval try www.agentprovocateur.com.
At the other end of the romance scale, www.trulymadlydeeply.biz is on hand to supply all the freeze-dried rose petals that a boy or girl could ever desire.
All the right sounds
Music may be the food of love, but what if your musical preferences are the aural equivalent of Dairylea? Forget Cyndi Lauper, here are a few romantic classics to get you in the mood in your hotel room…
Liszt Hungarian Rhapsodies For Piano A Hungarian heart-throb who had women flinging themselves at him in the middle of his recitals, Liszt peppered his work with flamboyant touches designed to impress love-struck ladies.
Orff Carmina Burana An aural orgy in which hordes of revellers gorge themselves and then get naked…
Elgar Cello Concerto The most romantic piece of music ever written by an Englishman. Run hand-in-hand with your beloved across the Malvern Hills.
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